second and third times
I was thirteen years
and two months,
and seven months,
and thirteen years old
and eight months
And I can't talk about it,
because when I was fifteen and first told someone,
I lied about it.
And when I was sixteen and told more people,
the lie had grown like cancer in a body that can't fight back.
I told people that I was strong,
that I fought back and hurt him because he hurt me,
that I didn't just lie back and take it.
And the truth is that I was weak
and it happened and I couldn't save myself
and I let it happen.
The fourth and fifth times it happened
I couldn't say no. I didn't say yes either,
but mostly I just couldn't say no because
I had learnt at thirteen that
saying no wasn't allowed.
So I let it happen.
I guess in a backwards kind of way I raped myself,
because I didn't think I could say no.
I don't know how to say yes,
or how to say not now,
I don't know what to do with sexual freedom.